It's over. It's really all over now.
But yet it feels like nothing is over at the same time.
i feel as if i can still walk into the room and call out to her, and see her sitting at the side of her bed there, waiting for me to come home. and when i come in, she will always smile her sweet smile at me and say "come home already ar..."
well, since she doesnt answer me very loudly either, i guess i wouldnt feel that much of a difference if i dun hear a response when i call out to her..today.
the pain in my heart is so unbearable. when i dun think of it, i feel as if nothing has happened at all, yet when i think of it, my tears just cannot control itself. my throat hurts from trying to suppress the emotions but my heart aches more. i feel like ripping it apart and stomping it flat on the ground.
its hardly been a week and i already feel myself wallowing up in self pity already. horrid despicable disgusting self pity. i hate myself. useless bum. burn me alive, inside out.
its tough acting like you are still strong and carefree when you arent. you joke about in the office still, yet within a minute, you silently drop a tear or two at the corner of your office in pain. you even chide yourself for stupidly wearing mascara which will make it even more freaking obvious that you cried. and finally, when someone who realises you aint that strong ask you if you are alright, you cant find it within yourself to put away this brave front and tell them your darkest fears and pain. Moron of the Millenium.
I love her so much that i cant find it in myself to let go.
I miss her so much that i cant find it in myself to forget her that easily or that quickly.
I miss her talking, her laughter, her touch, her jokes (even if i dun get it sometimes), her footsteps, her cooking, her nonsense, her pride, her voice, her face, her ... i miss her.
and i hope she misses me too and watching me missing her. shit i cant stop crying.
i dun really like this colour but i know she likes it. so i am using this colour for her.
Messages in a bottle
To Grace:
Thanks for picking up my call and even offering to come over to help.
To be honest, I was really tempted to say yes that night when you offered, but I know that would not be right for you, or nice of me to do so too. I am really glad you offered though.
To Carine:
Thanks for picking up my call and hearing me cry my heart out...esp this time. That cry was one of the worst cry I had, I think. But I was really glad to hear your voice. Really.And I suppose it was you also who told the rest ba. Thanks for letting our friends noe...felt really supported and encouraged when I got their sms-es.
To Cheng en:
I'm back in office today. And needless to say, I felt like the best recipe for the perfect shit mixture. I was between the stage of numb and crying. But arnd 11:38am, I realised that I didn't open my microsoft outlook yet and when I did, I was really surprised to see so many of your emails for me. Just so you know, I am really really touched by all your emails and they have been one of the greatest sources I seek strength from to carry on working, instead of crying. You are right. I shouldn't keep everything to myself but I can't find the initiative to bring up the subject to anyone. So maybe if you want, you can ask me first? Haha. But dun ask when in crowded places k? cos I don't think I can talk about it to anyone without me crying. And I don't want to cry, cos I dunno how long I will cry this time.
And that day when you emailed me at 7:17pm, I was still working till 7:30pm. Just that I logged off my outlook le. Glad that you finally jia ban.
To Xiuxuan, Cynthia:
Thanks for the sms-es. Whatever the reason may be that you guys cant attend to funeral, its okie. Really.
But news travel very fast. I only put down my phone with carine that night and on the same night you guys msged me le. But reading your sms-es made me feel better and easier to pull my (weakling) self together.
So thanks again....
To Chua:
Hmmm...actually there are a lot of things to tell you and say to you, but i dun quite seem to be able to phrase it properly in words. so i guess, once again, it's boiled down to thanks for being there for me. you allowed me to vent my anger on you, we cried on the same day, just as badly, for different reasons and though its true that you really cant comfort me for nuts, i am still very heartened simply by your presence on the last day of the funeral. and thanks for making me eat my dinner by competing with me for the food. its always nicer to have someone eat with you when its so difficult to swallow down anything.
To Angie:
sorta told you last minute, after the whole issue was over, when you popped over my hse ytd. thanks for offering to pei me whenever i felt lonely and making me smile. a better comforter than chua? haha. hmmm, once again, thanks for being there.
For once in my entire life, I am speechless. I don't know how else to put it, other than "thanks for being there for me." Whether you knew what happened recently or not, so long as you are a good fren of mine, I am sure you would have been there for me, supporting me all the way.
So thank you to all of you.
I mean it.
But yet it feels like nothing is over at the same time.
i feel as if i can still walk into the room and call out to her, and see her sitting at the side of her bed there, waiting for me to come home. and when i come in, she will always smile her sweet smile at me and say "come home already ar..."
well, since she doesnt answer me very loudly either, i guess i wouldnt feel that much of a difference if i dun hear a response when i call out to her..today.
the pain in my heart is so unbearable. when i dun think of it, i feel as if nothing has happened at all, yet when i think of it, my tears just cannot control itself. my throat hurts from trying to suppress the emotions but my heart aches more. i feel like ripping it apart and stomping it flat on the ground.
its hardly been a week and i already feel myself wallowing up in self pity already. horrid despicable disgusting self pity. i hate myself. useless bum. burn me alive, inside out.
its tough acting like you are still strong and carefree when you arent. you joke about in the office still, yet within a minute, you silently drop a tear or two at the corner of your office in pain. you even chide yourself for stupidly wearing mascara which will make it even more freaking obvious that you cried. and finally, when someone who realises you aint that strong ask you if you are alright, you cant find it within yourself to put away this brave front and tell them your darkest fears and pain. Moron of the Millenium.
I love her so much that i cant find it in myself to let go.
I miss her so much that i cant find it in myself to forget her that easily or that quickly.
I miss her talking, her laughter, her touch, her jokes (even if i dun get it sometimes), her footsteps, her cooking, her nonsense, her pride, her voice, her face, her ... i miss her.
and i hope she misses me too and watching me missing her. shit i cant stop crying.
i dun really like this colour but i know she likes it. so i am using this colour for her.
Messages in a bottle
To Grace:
Thanks for picking up my call and even offering to come over to help.
To be honest, I was really tempted to say yes that night when you offered, but I know that would not be right for you, or nice of me to do so too. I am really glad you offered though.
To Carine:
Thanks for picking up my call and hearing me cry my heart out...esp this time. That cry was one of the worst cry I had, I think. But I was really glad to hear your voice. Really.And I suppose it was you also who told the rest ba. Thanks for letting our friends noe...felt really supported and encouraged when I got their sms-es.
To Cheng en:
I'm back in office today. And needless to say, I felt like the best recipe for the perfect shit mixture. I was between the stage of numb and crying. But arnd 11:38am, I realised that I didn't open my microsoft outlook yet and when I did, I was really surprised to see so many of your emails for me. Just so you know, I am really really touched by all your emails and they have been one of the greatest sources I seek strength from to carry on working, instead of crying. You are right. I shouldn't keep everything to myself but I can't find the initiative to bring up the subject to anyone. So maybe if you want, you can ask me first? Haha. But dun ask when in crowded places k? cos I don't think I can talk about it to anyone without me crying. And I don't want to cry, cos I dunno how long I will cry this time.
And that day when you emailed me at 7:17pm, I was still working till 7:30pm. Just that I logged off my outlook le. Glad that you finally jia ban.
To Xiuxuan, Cynthia:
Thanks for the sms-es. Whatever the reason may be that you guys cant attend to funeral, its okie. Really.
But news travel very fast. I only put down my phone with carine that night and on the same night you guys msged me le. But reading your sms-es made me feel better and easier to pull my (weakling) self together.
So thanks again....
To Chua:
Hmmm...actually there are a lot of things to tell you and say to you, but i dun quite seem to be able to phrase it properly in words. so i guess, once again, it's boiled down to thanks for being there for me. you allowed me to vent my anger on you, we cried on the same day, just as badly, for different reasons and though its true that you really cant comfort me for nuts, i am still very heartened simply by your presence on the last day of the funeral. and thanks for making me eat my dinner by competing with me for the food. its always nicer to have someone eat with you when its so difficult to swallow down anything.
To Angie:
sorta told you last minute, after the whole issue was over, when you popped over my hse ytd. thanks for offering to pei me whenever i felt lonely and making me smile. a better comforter than chua? haha. hmmm, once again, thanks for being there.
For once in my entire life, I am speechless. I don't know how else to put it, other than "thanks for being there for me." Whether you knew what happened recently or not, so long as you are a good fren of mine, I am sure you would have been there for me, supporting me all the way.
So thank you to all of you.
I mean it.
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