Blogging from office again..i am finally feeling a little stability emotionally and gradually accepting the cruel fact slowly. Thanks to all who made time to accompany me, talk to me, distract me from my thoughts and help me through this incident. I suppose it's the ability to pull ourselves together and persevere that makes us human superior to other beings on earth. Come to think of it, I didn't actually tried to make too much an effort to forget or relieve myself of the pain in any way atall. Somehow, I was soothed over time and getting the pieces of my life back together. I vaguely smelled her yesterday night..like as if she just walked out of the room. And her door suddenly shut as well. Just that there was nobody. I suppose under normal circumstances, I would be terrified and horrific by that but I wasn't. Just a little shakened, though. In fact, come to think of it, I was comforted that she managed to find her way back home again. I am not sure if this incident has allowed me to turn for the better or for the worse, 'cos while I find myself treasuring my daddy and mummy a trillion yards more, there is also a growing nagging paranoia that is developing within me that anything will happen to them anytime unexpected. Aside from them, whenever I think of my older relatives or my cousin or anyone close to me for that matter, I will think that one day they will leave me and I wouldn't know how will I accept it once again and live through this living torture once again. While I strongly believe that it is the innate ability of humans to pick themselves up after a blow, I also cannot hide the fact that shattering the life of a person too many times may eventually cause us to fall forever.

Take the analogy of a piece of porcelain. Dropping it once may cause the porcelain to break into many big pieces. But ultimately, with patience, love, care and time, we can glue the pieces back together, although ithas been scarred for life. However, if you repeatedly drop the porcelain on the floor and pieces once glued are shattered again and shattered further, it will eventually come a time where that piece of porcelain isno longer mendable. Life is like a piece of porcelain - hard on the outside, brittle on the inside, continuous blows towards it may collapse our fragile lives as well.

I was asked to be the wedding MC for my colleague's wedding. I think I shouldn't take that role up due to various reasons like inexperience and the incident. But still I was actually quite excited just by the thought that I may have been one. I have never been one before but it sounds like fun. In the end, she asked me to help her do her wedding montage. I don't think I can say no to that but I am doing that with chua. Daddy says I shouldn't attend the wedding because it is chinese tradition not to do so when one of your family members has passed on. In fact, he doesn't think I should do the wedding montage as well. But he is excited about the thought of me doing for others as well. It seems such a pity if I can't do that for her. But she knows about the incident and it was after the incident that she asked me to do the wedding montage for her.So I suppose she ain't superstitious right? I don't want to be either. But it seems weird if I miss some cousin of mine wedding and attend hers. We shall see how it goes from here, I guess. I really want to do the video for her. I already have so many great ideas for the video leand plus, chua promised to help me. So it will be fun doing with her. I forgot when's the last time we did a project together.

Speaking of Chua, if you have visited my GB, you'd probably seen an eye-raising sentence under her recent tag. I am here to help her(hai...once again) to clarify that that last sentence is NOT said by her. She may be blur enough to let some idiot intrude her tag on my blog but she is not that idiotic to say such a sentence when she jolly well know it will spark off adverse consequences from ALL of our friends. There. I said it. You can infer a lot from just that few sentences. But bottomline, hope it is clear to all that the last sentence is not true. Let's end it here before I start blabbing off.

See you.

on a side note . . .

I cannot BELIEVE that Johnny Depp didnt win the best actor award and some guy called Day-Lewis starring in the movie "there will be blood" got it. stupidity above all stupidity. in protest, i shall not watch "there will be blood".

It's over. It's really all over now.

But yet it feels like nothing is over at the same time.

i feel as if i can still walk into the room and call out to her, and see her sitting at the side of her bed there, waiting for me to come home. and when i come in, she will always smile her sweet smile at me and say "come home already ar..."

well, since she doesnt answer me very loudly either, i guess i wouldnt feel that much of a difference if i dun hear a response when i call out to her..today.

the pain in my heart is so unbearable. when i dun think of it, i feel as if nothing has happened at all, yet when i think of it, my tears just cannot control itself. my throat hurts from trying to suppress the emotions but my heart aches more. i feel like ripping it apart and stomping it flat on the ground.

its hardly been a week and i already feel myself wallowing up in self pity already. horrid despicable disgusting self pity. i hate myself. useless bum. burn me alive, inside out.

its tough acting like you are still strong and carefree when you arent. you joke about in the office still, yet within a minute, you silently drop a tear or two at the corner of your office in pain. you even chide yourself for stupidly wearing mascara which will make it even more freaking obvious that you cried. and finally, when someone who realises you aint that strong ask you if you are alright, you cant find it within yourself to put away this brave front and tell them your darkest fears and pain. Moron of the Millenium.

I love her so much that i cant find it in myself to let go.
I miss her so much that i cant find it in myself to forget her that easily or that quickly.
I miss her talking, her laughter, her touch, her jokes (even if i dun get it sometimes), her footsteps, her cooking, her nonsense, her pride, her voice, her face, her ... i miss her.
and i hope she misses me too and watching me missing her. shit i cant stop crying.

i dun really like this colour but i know she likes it. so i am using this colour for her.

Messages in a bottle

To Grace:
Thanks for picking up my call and even offering to come over to help.
To be honest, I was really tempted to say yes that night when you offered, but I know that would not be right for you, or nice of me to do so too. I am really glad you offered though.

To Carine:
Thanks for picking up my call and hearing me cry my heart out...esp this time. That cry was one of the worst cry I had, I think. But I was really glad to hear your voice. Really.And I suppose it was you also who told the rest ba. Thanks for letting our friends noe...felt really supported and encouraged when I got their sms-es.

To Cheng en:
I'm back in office today. And needless to say, I felt like the best recipe for the perfect shit mixture. I was between the stage of numb and crying. But arnd 11:38am, I realised that I didn't open my microsoft outlook yet and when I did, I was really surprised to see so many of your emails for me. Just so you know, I am really really touched by all your emails and they have been one of the greatest sources I seek strength from to carry on working, instead of crying. You are right. I shouldn't keep everything to myself but I can't find the initiative to bring up the subject to anyone. So maybe if you want, you can ask me first? Haha. But dun ask when in crowded places k? cos I don't think I can talk about it to anyone without me crying. And I don't want to cry, cos I dunno how long I will cry this time.
And that day when you emailed me at 7:17pm, I was still working till 7:30pm. Just that I logged off my outlook le. Glad that you finally jia ban.

To Xiuxuan, Cynthia:
Thanks for the sms-es. Whatever the reason may be that you guys cant attend to funeral, its okie. Really.
But news travel very fast. I only put down my phone with carine that night and on the same night you guys msged me le. But reading your sms-es made me feel better and easier to pull my (weakling) self together.
So thanks again....

To Chua:
Hmmm...actually there are a lot of things to tell you and say to you, but i dun quite seem to be able to phrase it properly in words. so i guess, once again, it's boiled down to thanks for being there for me. you allowed me to vent my anger on you, we cried on the same day, just as badly, for different reasons and though its true that you really cant comfort me for nuts, i am still very heartened simply by your presence on the last day of the funeral. and thanks for making me eat my dinner by competing with me for the food. its always nicer to have someone eat with you when its so difficult to swallow down anything.

To Angie:
sorta told you last minute, after the whole issue was over, when you popped over my hse ytd. thanks for offering to pei me whenever i felt lonely and making me smile. a better comforter than chua? haha. hmmm, once again, thanks for being there.

For once in my entire life, I am speechless. I don't know how else to put it, other than "thanks for being there for me." Whether you knew what happened recently or not, so long as you are a good fren of mine, I am sure you would have been there for me, supporting me all the way.
So thank you to all of you.
I mean it.

to chengen:

hey! wanna catch it during a week day? after work?? ho ho ho. email you during work time to cfm with you eh? haha! we sure save a lot of sms-es by emailing manz..haha. you still coming on monday rite??

to grace:

yay! haha. grace...if you die, you cannot watch the show le. so dun die. haha. anw, it was fun hanging out with you for 2 consecutive nights eh? haha. lets have another sleepover soon! i promise i wun be the pig to sleep first again! haha.

had a chance to catch up with a friend today. we went to catch atonement in the end so i finally found my movie partner to watch atonement!! ahaha. yay. apparently, this is the first time my fren actually caught a M18 show. so bravo??..yes yes..BRAVO! hahaha. am i suppose to feel honoured?

atonement is really a literature film to me. no wonder it won the Best Film Award. The way the story is reenacted was a little confusing if you cant link very well or have a good catch of the time frame of each scenario. i am proud to say...I GOT IT! haha. but i was a bit confused at first oso la. a lot of loud "huh?!" coming from me. haha...not to mention my friend..louder i think. lol.

also, i managed to buy my diary le from times. and at the same time, because we bought popcorn combo for the movie, we got a free notebook with jumper at the cover page. yay! and my nice nice fren decided to give me. haha! so sweet. haha. cos my friend knows if dun give, i will snatch. haha. oOpS! moment of truth revealed.

anw, super tired now. still wanna watch jumper tml with another fren...cos my mum decided to back out last minute...boooooo!! haha. so chua and i will be watching tgt ba. den go shopping in bugis! hopefully i can find my nice shirts there. haha.

quite tired now. so going off! tada!

Shows I Wish To Watch

- Kung Fu Dunk

i heard its quite a bad show from my relatives but why am i still gonna watch it? because i like Jay Chou. but it will definitely not be a show i will squeeze time out just to watch. maybe if i have the time or so happen i am with someone who wishes to watch that show, then i will watch ba. if not, i think there are always more deserving shows to watch. No Offence! haha.

- Sweeney Todd (watching with neetha)

i cannot believe that i haven rushed to the cinema nearest to me and watched Sweeney Todd when he, OMG, what's his name, JOHNNY DEPP (ARGH!) is acting!!! *faints* i bet the entire world of johnny depp lovers have watched it already la, except me....and cynthia lee who doesnt even know that there is such a show. *double faints* yep, i found that out during one of the phone conversations i had with her...she only wishes to watch Ah Long Pte Ltd. soooooooo expected. nvm, i oso want to watch. haha. so unexpected. haha.

Note: for those who dont know who is johnny depp, he is the guy who acted in Pirates of the Carribbean and Corpse Bride. ring any bells??

- Atonement

this is a war-love film starring keira knightley. What is the guy's name does not matter. cos keira knightley is pretty enough to enrapture audience's attention throughout the show. heard that this film nabbed the best film award so i am gonna squeeze time out to watch this show. but haven found someone to watch with me yet though.

- Ah Long Pte Ltd (watching on 13th Feb with my clique)

will be watching in a few hours time with my clique. haha. surprisingly i quite like this film though i aint so interested in local films usually. but i realise why i want to watch le. haha. cos one of my fav. local actor is acting. haha. Mark Lee. haha. think he is a really funny guy, whatever others say abt his character doesnt matter to me.. haha. cant wait to catch this film later.

- CJ 7

i will probably watch this show before Kung Fu Dunk ba. Stephen Chow shud be funnier then Jay Chou. we shall see. heard from my colleague, who watched this show alr that it is lame and said i shud watch Kung Fu Dunk before this. so, haven exactly made up my mind yet. Maybe will catch both on DVDs in the end. haha.

- Gone Baby Gone

- P.S. I Love You (watching on 14th Feb with my colleagues)

This, i suppose, is the correct show to watch on 14th Feb. will probably cry my heart out for this show...can feel it coming.

- Michael Clayton

i have seriously no clue why i wanna watch this show. its George Clooney who is acting and i am not a very MAJOR fan of his. Perhaps its the storyline la. Many will probably find this show quite boring and dry in content cos its almost like a law show. maybe one or two of my sec school frenz will wanna watch ba. or my mummy. haha. but i defintely wun put this show as one of the top priority ba. not the die die must watch kind...unlike Sweeney Todd...ooo..my Johnny Depp.

- Trade

this is a show i dont think anyone has heard of it before. neither did i, to be honest, till i visited golden village website and checked out some of their shows. Apparently this show is only being screened selectively in certain cinemas like Cinema Europa (like where is that rite?? precisely). but the story line is quite intriguing and probably will be one of the shows i will come to like. but i will most probably not be catching it la cos i saw the timing for that show and it is on 13th Feb in the afternoon, which is when i will be working. so i guess i will have to give it a miss!

- Jumper (mummy booked me on this one)

this show looks exactly like spiderman to me la. so why i want to watch? OK! CONFESSION! i am watching because of this cutie in the poster. ooo yes...its soooo typical of vanessa to watch a show because she likes the guy. [Cynthia will ask: Who is he?] ok. fine. He is Hayden Christensen. if i am not wrong, or at least my frenz and i are suspecting, he is the guy who acted in Star Wars - the young Jedi called Anakin Skywalker. Don't really recall where else he acted in le. haha.

- American Gangster (watched this eons with my mum)

I like to watch this kind of show la. i oso dunno how to describe what is "this kind" of show. but just the detective show with triads and maffias and drugs and abuse and blah blah blah. very much into this genre. and this is one show dat i actually wanted the bad guy to get away scot free. ahah. cos he is acted by densel washington. and i hate that cop Russel Crowe..but of course, since this is a true story, densel washington had to get caught. sianz. but its been a long time since i watched such a good movie, that i didnt mind watching it twice.

- L changes the World

haha. there has been a lot of talks arnd me and my frenz abt this show le. so i suppose there will definitely be someone to watch this show with me le. anyway, i found out that GV is gonna have a movie marathon on Death Note. wierdly, i am actually quite excited abt the marathon and even thinking if i shud join oso. ANYONE INTERESTED??? haha. GRACE??? lol.

- 27 Dresses (watched with my sec skool frenz)

i watched this show eons ago but i must say that this show is not bad at all. haha. Most importantly, they picked the right actress to irritate me to the core! and the one acting as the good character is really sweet too (the lady in the picture). But the actors were not so well chosen though. cos erm..the guy who ended with the lady in the picture was shorter than her. and the guy who was the heart throb in the show was old enough to be my dad. ok ok. i am exaggerating but seriously, cannot make it lor.

piggish vanessa took 3 days off from work, from monday to wednesday. and since thursday and friday are public holidays, vanessa does not need to work from last saturday all the way to this sunday! *cheers* haha! of cos, one week off from work spells heaven for me and disaster for my home cos there will be no peace wherever i go. but i have been out shopping for clothings for CNY on monday and tuesday cos i nvr had the time to get them. anw, neetha and i went shopping on monday and chua and i went shopping on tuesday. malls were never so beautifully empty for a long time in my opinion. if you want my advice, go shopping on weekday mornings - its the time when those who have to work go to work and those who have to study (or at least, wants to study) go and study. so the whole mall belongs to ME! hahahaa. ok. i noe no one wants to know what i bought. so i shant say either. but i have found a new stupid challenge for myself! I BOUGHT A... 3 and a 1/2 inch high heel to wear for new year. haha. for those who cant picture how high that is, its about, 1 and a 1/2 times the height of the black high heel shoes i always wear. haha! my mum says i'm mad. anw, it looks like this. TA DA!




during the weekend, i went to visit my little nephew and niece. yesh. since when did vanessa had a niece? didnt she always yak and yak non-stop abt that oh-so-cute baby called jia jun? okay okay, i actually have a baby niece but i nvr got to see her till last weekend. and i have to admit, i have been super biased towards jia jun...till i saw her. her name is Qi en, english name: Glennis. she isnt exactly as cute as jia jun BUT i found her adorable still. i suppose its fate ba, at least that is wat everyone says. cos she is a real fussy baby and doesnt allow anyone or practically everyone to carry her. and she will cry whenever she sees strangers. but she didnt when she saw me. in fact, she even allowed me to carry her. haha. probably show you her picture soon cos its in my gor gor's camera and he hasnt emailed me yet. oh and she is really cute in her own ways. its like, when you ask her "where's daddy mummy?" then she will tilt her head to her parents' wedding photo. and when we ask "where is Qi en?" den she will tilt her head backwards cos her photo is behind her parents' wedding photo. and she will tumble backwards as a result. and surprisingly, when my god-ma suddenly ask "where is jie jie?" which is me, she actually turned and look at me!!! ARGH! okie. that was the most facinating part. i think she is those kinda babies you will love her upon interaction. provided if she doesnt turn you off with her crying at first glance. haha. but she is a real sweetie. i take back my words on saying that i only like baby boys. i realise i dun. haha. or maybe for Qi en only. haha.


of cos, once again, how can vanessa let off jia jun without snapping shots of him again and again and again. ahah! this time i even managed to snap him being changed by his mummy! i am soooo gonna blackmail him when he grows up! haha! anyway, here is the handsome boy.


THE SUPERMAN POSE!



DADDY MUMMY AND ME!
my god ma is trying to make him laugh thats why he is looking that way. but i dunno why my god bro is looking that way as well. ahaha. maybe he needs to learn how to smile as well.
anw, my god bro was saying he wanna make use of his baby's good looks to earn more income and make his baby a baby model. Well done. i think i learn too much rubbish from him, that's why i am so nonsense as well.



SAY CHEESE!


AT MY X'MAS PARTY


aiight. tts all for now i guess. didnt noe why i posted this entry here as well. perhaps just to deny the fact that this blog is being abandoned soon and liven things up for the CHINESE NEW YEAR. haha
cya arnd soon..

~toodles~